Before reading this invaluable check list you might want to take the following trivia quiz:
1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
- On the floor shift knob
- On the floor left of the clutch
- Next to the horn
2. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
- Nash Metro
3. How was Butch wax used?
- To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
- To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
- On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
4. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
- With clamps, tightened by a skate key
- Woven straps that crossed the foot
- Long pieces of string or twine
5. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
- Consider all the facts
- Ask Mom
6. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"
7. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
- Part of the game of hide and seek
- What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
- Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb attack
8. What comic used to say, "I'm a BAAAAAAD boy!"
- Lou Costello to Abbot, after a lecture by Bud Abbot, telling Lou how he screwed up
- The Lone Ranger to Tonto every time the masked man gave away a phony silver bullet
- Fibber McGee to Molly when she would open their closet door and 50 tons of junk came tumbling out.
9. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"
10. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
- Tony Bennett
- Xavier Cugat
- George Gershwin
The answers to the above quiz are as follows: 1b, 2a, 3a, 4a, 5b, 6c, 7c, 8a, 9c, 10a. If you knew eight or more correct answers then you might not need to read this list of things to do at master’s water polo practice; however, if can’t remember why you took the test in the first place then it may be a good idea to read the list to keep from embarrassing yourself or your friends.
Leaving the Dressing Room for the Pool
- Is your swim suit on?
- If swim suit is on, is it right-side-out?
- Are hearing aids removed (water is their enemy)?
- Are false teeth secured (when you bite someone will they stay in your mouth)?
- What is your coach’s name?
- What is your name?
- Is your locker number and lock combination written on the palm of your hand with a magic marker filled with indelible ink?
On the Deck
- Tie an extra cap the same color as your cap to your goal so you know which goal not to shoot the ball.
- Don’t do any new fangled, cool hand shake because the last time you did you broke a finger.
- Don’t forget to warm up your hands by rubbing your fingers together because the last time you grabbed a player’s suit without warming up your fingers got caught in the player’s drawstring or zipper and you almost drown.
- Warm up by drinking a cup of coffee, better make that a French vanilla cappuccino, because if younger players are choosing teams you might not be chosen until last. (If you really want to be chosen early then use Grecian formula on your hair and don’t bring your walker on the deck.)
- Ask if it is possible to have a substitute area at both ends of the pool. (If you are playing 30 meters then in addition ask for a substitute area at mid-court.)
- If you get to choose a team then don’t choose the players that can play the best but rather choose the players that can do CPR the best.
- Explain how much better everyone’s reaction time would improve if they played the width of the pool.
When In the Pool
- Ask someone if your cap is on backwards. If it is fake it and say something like “I always thought it was easier to read the numbers when you wear the cap this way.”
- Ask someone different the color of the cap you are wearing. It is not a good idea to ask the same person both these first two questions because he or she will know you are not only old but also senile.
- Remember a short whistle usually means a minor foul, a long whistle usually means a major foul, two whistles usually means let go of the person you are holding, and three whistles means someone needs to call 911.
- Remember your teammates will usually get angry if you shoot at your own goal, pass to the player on the wrong team, and really mad if you climb out the pool and slowly walk to the dressing room when your suit is on the bottom of the pool.
- Remember this is not a 1950’s football practice so you can rest when you want and drink as much fluids as you can. (It is a wonder that some 50’s football coaches were not serial killers?)
Leaving the Dressing Room for Home
- Make certain you dry off before putting on your clothes.
- Make certain your fly or dress is zipped.
- Make certain your belt is buckled and shoes are tied.
- Make certain you throw away all bags of ice before you get home.
- Make up a whopper to tell your spouse for any bruises that may be in plain sight.
- Make an appointment with a Psychiatrist to try to find out why you do this to yourself two to three times a week.
- Make certain when you get home the smile on your face is not too large or your spouse might not let you play water polo next week.